well, now I’ve done it. I wrote the truth. maybe not the whole truth but way too much truth according to some…
I will hang from the gallows if they have their way. wouldn’t bother me but for my kid. for her I stand when I can’t find any other reason to stand. why? because she saved my life when no one else could have.
my father, charles, is hurt or pissed or both. I wrote about him in one of my posts. this was the only place where I had yet to be told that i was out of line. I’ve been told that since forever. I may as well just get used to being labeled ‘bitch’. straight up. it’s good for the character i reckon.
charles is the greatest teacher I have ever had. great teachers are usually great big characters with egos to match. but charles is special. I knew how special he was even before he knew it. i respect my father beyond any other person i’ve ever met. I always have. more so now than ever.
I wonder when will I graduate from this school of ‘stand down, you traitorous villain’…
my father used to say that I would have been hung like a traitor if I had lived in the days of the gallows. works for me. don’t care much for this world anyway. but I shall trudge on and finish the job. I will finish what I started. for the daughter, the father, the mothers and the neglected boyfriend. for them I will be strong.
if I should go down to my last breath I know that I will do what has never been done. i will be the guard. i am come to reverse the centuries old curse. whatever it takes I will turn it around before the long train hits town.
let them stone me, kick me, shoot me, cut me into pieces, raise me from death and do it 1000 times more. they would do it just for the hell of it. we love torture around here. it’s good for the character.
to the end I will be the guard. a flaming shield that will stop what would kill again. hell hath fury only when it is left without hope. hope is all I have left. this hope I give unto you, Lord Charles, for you have always given me the toughest lessons. the lessons I needed the most. by your hand i am the strongest soldier you have. you know it’s true.
for you, charles, I will face the fury of hell. even unto the end. it has begun. at last the end is at hand. finally. ready, set, i will take every blow like a man. i am the guard that i am.
here comes the father, here comes the son, the first lord of the new day is ready to roll away the stone. this is it. suit up for the blaze. time to play the song to which the children will dance along…the long train comes for those wings of light, father. you promised.
it comes to the kingdom that rises from this your land. this land of yours is my last home on earth. but only until i leave this world. it won’t be long now. can you hear the whistle blow? the long train is coming home. it’s coming home to you, Lord Charles.
Stand Down, Shut Up, Be Free
here I am out in the open fields of my wonderful ‘even better than colonel’s house’ prayer room…
I have this feeling that I’m not supposed to be here. that I should be doing something else. anything else. but what?
well, anything that keeps me away from doing what I need to be doing by being right here where I belong where i perform the rite of spring.
it’s not that I intend to be here all day. but I need to start the day right. I’ve worked non-stop since I got here. I work to get settled, I work to make money, I work for what is necessary. i work for everyone that i love. it’s not like I’m lazy ass bum…far from it.
nevertheless, roxie is mad at me again. that’s my mom, ‘roxie’. she loves me but she doesn’t like me either. she criticizes me with a vengeance.
I make no effort to please her except by the will of god. I listen to the voice of source. for the first time in my life I have been obedient to that voice. naturally roxie is pissed. she’s not used to that. i usually bow by now.
I questioned myself. maybe I’m wrong. second guessing myself is second nature. finally I asked god about it. he said to stand strong. he said that anyone who would truly know me would not be angry with me.
I agree. I just want to make sure I’m doing what’s right. you see, this is what has always taken me down. in the past I would have tried to do something, anything, to make my mom see that I’m not a worthless piece of shit.
many, many times have I turned my back on the voice of god to please a human. I have wasted my entire life trying to win the love, respect, and acceptance of the humanity on this planet. with that I am finished.
I ain’t selling out ever again. never. I know someday my mother will see the light. I know that with all my heart. but not if I bow down and give in to the darkness that controls her like a puppet. this darkness that makes her view me with darkened understanding. enough already.
by god I know who I am. I will stand firm. like the rock of gibraltar. no matter what. I will do what I must. I will be there for my mother when the darkness comes again. I will live my life as god intends. I will stand strong and face the devil that dares to oppress the freedom to be.
satan, oh, satan. you have no power. you have no power except the power that I give to you. so stand down, you little tyrant and shut the fuck up . I am master of my world. your days of leading the charge are over.
would thou be free? would thou be free by the light of god that sets all life free? would you be free, satan? what would you give for real freedom? would you surrender your hatred of everything in existence? think on it.
know me as I am. know me now. I am the light of god that never fails. by that light which I serve know that I AM the power that sets all life free. I will not fail you again, satan. you will be free. free from hell. free from all evil. believe it.
There Can Be Only One
sometimes i think that i might not make it. after all i’ve crashed this bitch more times than i care to count. but maybe it was all just training. maybe i needed all those lessons. obviously i needed something.
i’ve learned to tell source exactly what i feel and exactly what i feel i need. that doesn’t mean that i get a free pass. source and i have tossed it back and forth. we both have valid points.
i discovered that source is very willing to work out a solution for an issue before it becomes a nuclear fallout. every time that i’ve been condemned to death for some really big boo boo source was there to bail me out.
yes, i had to fulfill a few simple requirements. but nothing too big. especially compared to damnation. so, then why not talk to source about our tendency to be bad before it gets us in the shit pit?
i used to hide away from source for days and weeks on end when i knew i was screwing up. but what’s the definition of a screw-up? what’s the point of free will if we don’t screw shit up?
how much do we learn when we don’t have to fix what we’ve broken? how much do we know if we don’t know how to govern the dynamics of existence by being allowed to experiment?
nothing we do is bad so long as we stand toe to toe with source. why can’t we include source in all pf our choices? it’s not like source is going to stop us or disown us or any of that stuff.
source will always be there to give us what we need so long as we remember to keep source in the game right there beside us. there can be no separation if we want to be happy and free.
united we stand and divided we fall. why is that?
because there can only be one. the all-one. the one in all. it’s time to play this game to win. its time to put source back in the game, on the frontline and in the pits.
don’t you know who has your back? it’s the one who beats your heart. it’s the big, bad god within you, my friend. it is the presence of life within every man woman and child on this planet.
The Long Train Back Home
staticsquarespace.com
here i sit under the railroad tracks by the reeds and the beaver’s dam. it is like heaven after the stress that I felt earlier today. I couldn’t find anything, every possession is lost in the shuffle. my world is turned on it’s head. so julio and i went down to the tracks. we wait for the clickety clack. now i can relax.
my mother, truly tho i love her, must have an energizer battery in her vocal box. she won’t stop talking, talking, talking. and unlike everyone else, she actually notices when i’m not listening. which is rare if you think about it but she is a rare bird. the great and terrible. this is mi madre, ‘the roxie’.
the lost at sea, aka my immediate family and i, had dinner with the roxie last. I sat in the kitchen by myself. everyone else sat in the living room watching what sounded like a soap opera. in the past I would have joined in just to placate my mother. now I placate no one. i just can’t do it anymore. someday she will understand.
I haven’t watched tv for over a year. I don’t see the point. for me it’s a waste of time. I’ve wasted too much time already. my attention needs to be focused on the light. on my service to the earth. at first my boyfriend didn’t understand either. it took a lot of strength to disappoint him but i told him in the beginning how it would be. i did warn him. little by little he’s learned to accept me.
for the first time ever i chose to do what my mother would not understand without being totally pissed off. i have courage. who knew? but roxie will think i have a reason quite different from my spiritual work. she won’t comprehend it. not yet. tv has been her god for as long as i can remember. i’m cool with that. everyone should do as they please.
long ago i learned to suspend the human tendency to form opinions about other people’s choices. someday my mother will do the same. you’ll see. but for now I remain the ‘misunderstood one’.i understand what my mother doesn’t so i must do for her what she can’t yet for me or even for herself. i will give her what she needs.
you see, by remaining detached I won’t become vulnerable so I won’t react negatively when she directs negative energy. it’s just a habit of hers. but I can hold a focus of light by remaining balanced in my feelings. eventually this will bring freedom from suffering by making it possible to remold the cause of the problem. i have to transform the layers of negative build-up by focusing on the points of light within the energy. this is alchemy at exit 333.
there she blows…how i love the sound. the train is going across the bridge now. clickety clack, clickety clack. I feel the awesome rush of wind and the mighty throb of power. I love the roar. oh how i love to hear the train roar past. something akin to fury but quite different. for some reason it seems peaceful and pleasant. a lullabye of sweet surrender. that’s it. I must surrender to the will of god. true surrender is unequivocal.
I know that many of you who read this blog are suffering also. this is a journey we will make together. we must love each other more than ever. love is the solvent that begins the alchemical process of setting life free from torment. nothing else matters but what we take with us when we leave this world. i am convinced that what i give unto others is the power of light that sets all life free. only time will tell. it’s worth the effort regardless.
to give unto others what i would have for myself is the call of my heart. i am serving life for my own freedom. what is your calling? it’s not necessary that we all be the same. in fact that would be very boring and redundant don’t you think? surrender to the call of your own beating heart. no matter what…be true to your own presence of life~the voice within that speaks to you. speaks the truth that makes you an individual~unique and splendid. you are god. be true to you. make your presence felt in this world. be that I AM. prove your worth. prove it to yourself first.
Freedom Is For Everyone
Taming the Kraken
for some reason I feel like crying but I won’t because it would be a waste of energy. I need to get to the bottom of this issue. I need to get a grip on the kraken within. I never thought the day would come when I’d be in this position. but nothing in this lifetime has turned out as planned.
well, that’s not entirely true. I just thought I’d have better a handle on it by now. I guess figured I’d be invincible. the plan has always been the same but the details are different from the original pattern. there have been numerous contingencies due to my daredevil attitude. I guess I like being a masochist. enough already.
I have to stay the course even as the dragons come out with the intent to devour my ass. I won’t get upset. I won’t get upset. I won’t get upset. no I won’t. don’t lose your temper, zorra. stay focused. turn to the presence of life within. ask for directions. you owe your first allegiance to god and none other. remember this always.
everything depends on my ability to control my temper. everything depends on where I put my attention. how do I keep my cool? how will I ever be true to my vows? easier said than done is always the way of it. and why is that? nothing worth having is ever easy. who wrote these rules anyway??? they fucking suck. ok. whatever. I am grateful. in spite of it all, yes, I am grateful.
be still, thou kraken within, be still. know you not that I AM your master??? now shut up, sit down and count to 10 million. speak not from your ego but speak as i speak from within. feel not but that which you feel when we have become all-one for the one in all. be as I AM that others may know you also.
Welcome Home Sanitarium
well, I found my prayer room. only it’s not a room. it’s out in the rural prairie land that i once called home. it has been waiting for me since the day I left. this is the place where my daughter was conceived. this is the place where I first met death.
this land where i now sit is adjacent to the land that my parents own. my first love, my daughter’s father, is long gone. rumored to be dead. all houses burned to the ground in the last family war. this is my childhood stomping ground.
my parents are divorced. their 40 year marriage didn’t survive the last days of my grandmother’s tormented life. she lived in the mother-in-law house. it was built in 1999, the same year I became pregnant.
ironically, her house sits on the exact spot where my parents divided the land. they didn’t want to see each other more than necessary. less blood would be spilled this way or so they said. so why not just get away from each other?
my parents never wanted to sell the place. but neither was willing to let go. together they wrote the book on strangely stubborn eccentric behaviorism. mom holds the north end of the property. my dad mans the south.
my mother’s name is roxie. she has 500 cats. or something like that. my dad’s name is charles. he is very eccentric with a beautiful and spoiled new wife in tow. her name is blondie. he says she is worse than my mother. no comment from this corner.
I find myself trying to escape as much as possible. after my grandmother died I was given half of the mother-in-law house. I always did like that little house. it was cute and cozy. now its starting to decay.
for a while it was home to a pair of king snakes. then the rats took over. my parents ran off the snakes and exterminated the rats. sometimes my parents still work together. until blondie starts yelling about it.
roxie likes to yell too. she and blondie love swinging their battle axes around. they aim at me, my dad, and the cats. mom and blondie have a lot in common. they make for good target practice.
for some reason my dad has gone half crazy. people say that I’m just like him. I don’t know about that but I do like him. except when he’s being an asshole. but mostly he’s real cool. kind of out there tho. maybe I am like him after all…
so why did I come back here, to this place where the war never ends? I’m an idiot. but that’s’ not why I came back. they need me and I need a place to sleep. they think I’m about to go over the edge. they don’t know how many times I’ve come back from the edge…
as for roxie, charles and blondie…now they’re totally over the edge. so far gone they don’t even know where the edge went or that it even existed. then again, you never know. maybe I’m the one who’s totally lost. time will tell. it always does.
nevertheless, this is where I will perform the rite of spring…it’s necessary for the harvest to out manifest this season. I wonder if I will survive to see the harvest…
what a deal. thank you, god. thank you very much. here i am, back in hell again. yay me. welcome home, haelrazor. fasten your seatbelt. this ride has only just begun. it’s time to make all things right again. or so it has been said.
it’s time to do what’s never been done. it’s time to open the door. it’s time to take the hinges off. never again will this door be shut. it’s time to make heaven and hell all-one. all aboard. this is the long train back home. are you ready for it?
Fare Thee Well My Precious
I did it. i said goodbye. i stayed up all night while the wind howled like a banshee. spooky and familiar. i howled too. yes I did. at first the emptiness was almost unbearable. I cried until I felt nothing. then the peace came. it always comes…
everyone else had gone on ahead. there was still more work that waited to be done. more work than I’d figured. I wanted to leave the house clean. no trash or excess baggage. everything needed to be left in order. this was my closure.
I watched the sun rise from the east windows. I had washed those windows a week before. after the sunrise I washed the rest of the windows. as i was finishing up on the last window i had a revelation.
suddenly I understood why i had felt such devastation about leaving the house. my precious. my best friend. my home. all at once I knew what I needed to do. the time had come. i am a graduate. i must now practice what i have learned.
it was in that house that I first began to learn to perform the rite of spring. in that house I bought my first ipod from apple.com. in that house I became who I am now as opposed to what people thought I should be. in that house I found me.
I spent the darkest hours of my life in that house. that house became my companion. as the day of leaving drew closer I experienced involuntary flashes of memory. I wonder if that’s what it’s like when we die. a life flashing before our eyes….bittersweet, perfectly painful and worthy of remembrance.
I spoke to the house and then I remembered the colonel’s wife, Mary. she died many years ago. long before I moved into the house as a servant. she died before I could say goodbye. for her I served the colonel. for her I became a better person.
I was always amazed at being allowed to stay in that house for so long. against all the odds. it was seemed like a miracle and it was. I am so grateful to all those who made it possible. I will never see that house again unless it be by the will of god.
all i need now is to remember…to remember to BE…to ALWAYS BE what I have become. I was given the chance to discover who I am. no matter what anyone thinks or says, I am and i will always be the light of god that never fails. you are that light also. remember?
Dancing for the Devil
i’ve started to go outside to do my prayer dance. last week i had the strong feeling that i needed to set the routine of going outdoors when performing my daily rites. probably because of the move. i won’t have this prayer room after next weekend so i guess i’d better build the momentum right where i stand. which could be anywhere once i leave this place behind.
the wind is blowing like a banshee today. i don’t really mind the wind, in fact, i rather enjoy it. but right now it seems kind of ominous but that’s just me gettin’ the jitters. of course there is always the boogie man and dracula to watch for but they don’t scare me anymore than i scare myself.
i woke up yesterday to see satan standing by my bed. i suddenly knew why all of this is happening. it’s not a bad thing. it’s a duality. it can go either way depending on the choices i make. satan has to work against me cuz that’s how he’s wired but deep down he knows that if i lose this battle then he loses this battle. that’s not an option. on this one count we can agree.
i’v changed my attitude about the blood and guts of it all. i never liked blood and guts anyhow. life is not a battlefield. it’s how we feel about our challenge that creates the battle. so i’m going to learn to relax, take a deep breath and shake off the monkeys that think i’m their personal beast of burden. i ain’t nobody’s bitch. not even my own bitch. but first i have to silence the bitch within.
i’m doing this for everyone. especially satan. what i do for him i do for us all because he is our tormentor. we are his only hope. so he won’t let up until we finish the job. did you know that satan is homeless? kind of sad. really sad. now i understand why he’s so unhappy. i’m going to do my best to make a difference. for satan, for you, for me, for everyone.
come rain or shine i will dance and sing the song of elohim right where i stand. it’s a good day to be strong and lighten the load. the road is waiting to take us back home. it’s been a long time coming. may we have the strength to carry on. may we have the grace to keep the attitude of gratitude even in midst of hell.
Burning the Past
i had a bonfire about two weeks ago. right here in the middle of town. i didn’t even remember that i was doing something illegal until the fire was nearly burned out. nobody said anything. there wasn’t much smoke anyway. i was so far gone i didn’t think of anything but burning all ties to the past. i had hoped that it would alleviate the pain. it did. for a while.
i remember when colonel died. i mourned for a long, long time. at first i thought i mourned over my lost job and the income that came along with it. then i got another better paying job. i discovered i felt exactly the same. i was grateful to know that i was mourning for the loss of my friend rather than over the departure of his pile of money.
money means very little to me except as it is useful for paying the bills. colonel always said that all women were prostitutes. and stupid. believe or not i never liked the son of a bitch so i never missed an opportunity to set him straight. the only thing that saved his life was the fact that he was a gentleman. but he never could figure out why i wouldn’t sleep with him.
that’s pretty simple. i wasn’t in love him. and it wasn’t the age difference. i wouldn’t have fallen for him even if he had been my age. he wasn’t my type. i only have sex for love. no amount of money is worth it. not even a million dollars for just one night. forget about it. but i did love him. he was interesting and full of incredible stories.
everyone thought i was a gold digger because i would spend time with him after work. i have always enjoyed the company of my elders. they have something of value to say. unlike people my own age. the thing that won his family over was when they discovered that i never touched the money. i remember the moment of silence. priceless.
i was never tempted altho i was surprised to find out how much he was receiving in retirement pay. i never felt guilty about that 2 grand a month again. towards the end i had to write my own check and wait for him to stop growling long enough for him to sign the damn thing. by then his money was his teddy bear.
i burned all of the pictures of him that i had treasured after his death. all except one. it just happened to fall out of the pile as i was throwing it on the fire. i burned half the pictures on my prayer wall too. i was letting go of the past and remembering the lessons i had learned.
the sale of the house is the best lesson i’ve had in years. it has taken me down to the bone. may the blood flow until the poison is gone. now i will see what i am made of. can i walk the talk of one who never gives up? time will tell.
but i’ve forgotten how to tell time. that’s old school. besides, i already know that the light of god never fails. may i always remember that in the days to come…
There’s No Place Like Home
i went for a walk today. i was supposed to be packing or doing something other than being happy. i decided to live instead. i have to move out my house. well, it’s not my house but it has been my home for the last seven years. i love this house. my best friend lived here. he died here too. i was with him until his last breath. now i must say goodbye all over again.
this house sold in 07. twice. apparently it wasn’t meant to be. i would have bought this house myself but that wasn’t meant to be either. i promised myself that i would move out if they put it up for sale again. realtors and buyers ruin the ambience.
i found out that i had to leave 7 weeks ago. i buried my head in the sand for two weeks because i couldn’t bear the pain. i knew i had to let it sink in very slowly or i might slip over the edge. after two weeks i started packing but only in really short spurts. the pain kept creeping up. it’s been the vivisection of my heart and soul. shut down is a good method of coming to terms. works for me.
now i’m into it full steam. i cry everyday. i say goodbye in many ways. i let go. i let go again. i’m so grateful to have been here for all these years. i thank god that i was given the opportunity to call this place my home. may god give me the strength and wisdom to move forward with a grace that always knows my home wherever I AM.
O’Mother Where Art Thou Pt.2
it’s taken me my entire life to figure how to do what is that i must do if i would know peace before i leave this world. all i want is to know that i’ve done what needs to done.
when all is said and done in a manner that’s the best i’ve ever done i will no longer be afraid of death. after all there is no such thing. i am determined. i will leave nothing unfinished.
i want to be absolutely certain that i won’t come back. i will not feel like i’ve felt in this life ever again. i’d rather not even exist. not for anything in the universe would i do this again.
i imagine my mother must feel pretty much the same. she can’t even tell just how far gone she is but i can see that she’s not even there anymore.
there will be no double tap for my mama gone zombie. not on my watch. i need to fulfill my promise to her as soon as possible…
i once told her i’d take care of her for life. then i watched as she became a slave to her own mother because she didn’t have the strength to be true to herself while in service to another.
now i have to break the cycle without breaking my mother’s heart or allowing myself to be broken in process. yea, every demand must be understood before it can be answered.
the challenge to live and live free begins…may peace keep us when we are naught what peace would have of us. in christ jesus’ name, so be it.
Don’t Punk a Bitch With a Mission
i had a fist fight with my boss today. now i’m the boss. tough job but somebody’s got to do it. might as well be the one who is willing to go the extra mile just to prove that it can be done.
this fellow that i work for is just like me~fallen but good. that’s why he was sent my way. by helping him i help myself. that’s if we don’t kill each other first. it’s an option by default~not a real choice.
not long ago i had to get over hating his guts. during our last brawl he said some obnoxiously rude shit to me. then he tried to muscle me with an intimidation tactic. i won that match too.
but only because i realized that i needed to do better and be better than ever before. he’s worth it. so am i. he’s the best boss i’ve ever had. so i’m gonna do what needs to be done so we can both be free from sorrow.
this is for michael, sheila, and mary…the three meant to work as one. i know what to do now. so hold on. it won’t be long. i never leave a job undone. are you ready to go home? all aboard. tomorrow is already gone.
O’Mother Where Art Thou Pt.1
i had a minor meltdown this week. minor means that there’s no long term damage. at least none that i can see thus far. in fact, i actually learned something really important this time. but the lesson hurts like hell…
up until i was about 16 years old my mom and i fought like cats and dogs. i used to hate her. i mean there were times when i literally hated her. then one day i felt so much rage that i imagined myself hitting her in the face with a hot skillet.
yeah, i was that mad. that is until my mind’s eye played a little trick on me…and i watched half of her face melt off.
instantly i was shocked back into sanity. no fucking way! i would never hurt my mom like that. no matter how mad she made me. not ever! i swore to God almighty that i would never hate her again.
and i never have. it’s been almost thirty years and not once since that long ago day have i wanted to kill her. altho she has made me want to kill myself on more than one occasion. and that’s the problem.
she just can’t seem to be nice to me no matter how hard i try to earn her love. so i’m not going to try anymore. which means that i have to change how i am with her in order to protect myself.
and that’s going to be really hard because i love her. i know she will be hurt and angry. but i can’t be hurt anymore either. and i can’t afford to get angry again. i am at the end of the road. i have no other choice…
i love you, mom. i always have and i always will. maybe someday you will feel the same. but until then i will turn away and be no more the daughter you never wanted. this is gonna be tough…for both of us.
The Voice of the Silence
fractal by Troythulu
http://kestalusrealm.wordpress.com/*************************
An excerpt from the Voice of the Silence by H.P. Blavatsky
He who would hear the voice of the Nada, the “Soundless Sound”, and comprehend it, he has to learn the nature of Dharana.
Having become indifferent to objects of perception, the pupil must seek out the Rajah of the senses, the Thought-Producer, he who awakes illusion.
The Mind is the great Slayer of the Real.
Let the Disciple slay the Slayer.
For…
When to himself his form appears unreal, as do on waking all the forms he sees in dreams;
When he has ceased to hear the many, he may discern the ONE – the inner sound which kills the outer.
Then only, not till then, shall he forsake the region of Asat, the false, to come unto the realm of Sat, the true.
Before the Soul can see, the Harmony within must be attained, and fleshly eyes be rendered blind to all illusion.
Before the Soul can hear, the image (man) has to become as deaf to roarings as to whispers, to cries of bellowing elephants as the silvery buzzing of the golden fire-fly.
Before the Soul can comprehend and may remember, she must unto the Silent Speaker be united, just as the form to which the clay is modelled is first united with the potter’s mind.
For then the Soul will hear, and will remember.
And then to the inner ear will speak-
The VOICE OF THE SILENCE
H.P.B The Golden Book of Precepts
fractal by Troythulu
http://kestalusrealm.wordpress.com/
The UnBroken
typically i won’t tell anyone about my problems. i guess i don’t want to weigh others down. i also know that they really can’t help me much so i don’t see the point.
but lately i have had my prayers answered by receiving confirmation from another about a situation that has very nearly ripped my heart to shreds.
this would be the third round. i am done with this gun to my head. instinctively i know that there is something amiss in that which seems fair enough to some…but not fair enough to fool me again.
it’s hard being true to myself. i can’t tell you how many times i have sold out. i never used to be like that. when i was young i had nothing to lose so i didn’t back down from my convictions regardless of anyone’s opinion.
i tried it their way. it doesn’t work. we are not meant to live by other people’s demands, opinions, and manipulations. so im gonna be me…no matter what. right to the end. i have too much to lose by giving in.
i have everything to lose if i back down to fear. never again. this time i will stand. by God i will stand. i will continue on…with or without your love. i owe it to myself. I will never be broken again…
The Dwelling
if you dwell in silence long enough i will come
if you dwell in silence long enough you will know my song
if you dwell in silence long enough i will open the door
if you dwell in silence long enough fear will be gone
if you dwell in silence long enough you’ll know a reason to smile
if you dwell in silence long enough you will become as a child
wouldn’t you like to feel like that again?
to feel my presence all around and within
as you did in the days before torment invaded your life
a life which is also my life
when will you dwell with me again?
dwell in the silence where I AM
the busy world won’t miss you
they will not miss you
not like i do
the
empty
world remains
ever empty
dwelling without living
won’t you dwell with me instead?
won’t you dwell with me?
dwell with me
in silence
where
life
begins
begins all-one
all-one again
I AM
The Nothing
Seek not to serve the need of one
except as thru that one ye may serve
serve by conscious intent
a purpose
a purpose for the One in All.
how do i then become as the ONE,
serving not just the one
but the One in all?
Remain thou wholly undivided,
complete with indifference
indifference to all need
the need that gratifies the lusting
the lusting mundane
the mundane consciousness
seeking…
seeking all…
seeking you…
only to use…
leaving nothing of use
nothing
nothing for the One in All.
Despair Not
there is nothing worth having that does not require effort to be had.
it is thru effort that one realizes value.
therefore despair not at the magnitude of effort.
if great be the effort…
great is the worth that waits to be had.
The Call Compels the Answer~What Say You?
the call: the roar is deafening. i can hear the clickety clack. its the long train coming down the track. i am ready. or not? why do i wonder when i know full well the answer? do you hear my call? there is nothing for it but to stand strong and face the conductor’s song. can i do this? i have no choice. i made the pact with every last drop of blood. o’well. i don’t need it anyhow. let the games begin. what say you?
the answer: let not your heart be caught upon despair. there is naught that can take your freedom but acceptance of the appearance world. feel my presence more often than aught else. hold fast to the covenant of mindful silence~a discipline wherein awaits the key to freedom. be not concerned about the reason. prove one last time that faith is enough by which to accept my will as your own. by that faith you will be done with sorrow. is it really too much to ask? think of the alternative. now listen and listen well. this is all important…full throttle determination is your passport to victory. even so in the midst of apparent failure. imagine the reaper’s blade upon thy neck. how determined would you be then? think on it. become a force of unparalleled determination. remember this well in the days that follow. you have seen the beast. the dark shadow waits. who is the master over hell? who will be the last haelrazor? be fearless. be dauntless. know who you are. do you remember? “silence and pathegorus”…what is your ‘path’? do you serve the ‘ego or’ do you serve ‘US’. silence is easy once you mark the choice with all the life left within the outer self. by that stand be steadfast. steadfast as tho your life depended on it. let there be no return to what has come and gone. for this point has no return beyond the next step. what say you, haelrazor? what is your PATH? EGO OR US?
The Call Compels the Answer~the Shadow is Watching
i’m pretty sure no one understands why i make all those strange sounds during my meditations. i barely understand my own name let alone why i do anything else. at least i’m making an effort. and it’s ok to be strange.
the call: i have a strange feeling. like being in a vacuum. the events of today have forced me to remember the events of three years ago. i marvel at how everything is tied together so perfectly in such an insane package of opportunity and tribulation. tell me is it true that every choice i make at this point is critical to success? if everything is an illusion, if the appearance world has no power, then why is it so important that i do what is right? can’t i just party on until hell hits high gear again? why should i worry about an illusion? is there more to all this then what i am comprehending? or am i just looking for an answer to a question never before asked for fear the answer might not be what i want? tell me what you see that i may understand the key to survival on this rock n roller coaster ride back home.
the answer: it is the balance you seek for naught else can bring relief in the midst of conditions so intense as your present situation. have no fear. there is more to this plan than the torture of your soul for the pleasure of the dark lord. what do you have that he want’s so desperately as to make himself known when he seldom reveals his presence to anyone? do you know what it is? are you willing to make a stand? you have never stood up for yourself against his sorrowful will to compel your death. why do you think this is so? have you taken the time to question what makes his world go around? why would he pay you so many personal visits when he could sent his servants instead? this is not his way with the masses in general for most have never seen him physically as you have. take the time to ponder. the answer will come. be ready to receive without flinching for that makes it obvious that you have seen beyond the projected guard. be not alarmed at the state of affairs for everything changes. change is what you have been prepared to undertake. if you would have full power then thou must exercise the knowledge of the law on everything you contact. the one who watches you daily deserves the same as he gives but as you would give through the great command of the elohim. be not imprisoned in hell any longer. this is the hour of freedom’s triumph. rise to the need of your soul. receive your release and be free from torment. know peace by the strength that sets all life free. you are that. become as I AM
The Call Compels the Answer~The Mean One
i could spend hours of my life trying to make the perfect video (like that’ll ever happen). then i watched my daughter. she just makes her vids, uploads before the camera stops rolling. moving along all carefree and without apology. she’s my hero. i can only hope to equal that kind of bravado.
the call: so dear lord how do i deal with this new melodrama? did i err in my adamant attitude? i know i let my attention rest upon the condition too long but not so long as my normal pattern. so then do tell me what it is that you know that i must know? become now the power the sustains the outer self thru the battles that aim to wound. do thou guard all that i am against what would scar me to the bone once more. i am your servant. speak now thy command. may your indestructible will become now my own…
the answer: it is tragic comedy to watch the sparring of one with the other. do you not know better than to react to his ignorance? what of thy vow of silence? tis ‘half-ass at best’ would be the student’s remark if he truly understood the value of your discipline. is it not your job to give assistance as he requires? are you not becoming too involved with the personality? how many times must they draw your blood before your learn to be wholly indifferent to that which does not concern your directive. i know it is tough out there but imagine how tough it would be had you been led into what he has known-so lost in ignorance as to hold hatred the only defense. be compassionate. remember. he is your responsibility not your friend. be thou the full power of the great command. give all unto the elohim within this man of god who has no memory of his own light as you have seen shining through him already. let your love for life be the guide in the midst of this turmoil. what is there in this argument but another war? war is death. will you be but the bitch of hell again? this is the last day of good standing. be only that I AM unto all. even so unto war-for there I AM also.
The Call Compels the Answer~The Purpose to Be
i hesitate to share this video as i am beginning a new phase of experimentation. i’m always afraid of looking like the idiot of the decade. so i guess that’s why i need to post it. down with the ego already.
the call: i can’t remember the last time i felt truly happy. only in the memories of your grace divine so perfectly timed to the rhythm of all creation did i feel the kind of joy that is all-prevalent. i really don’t understand how this could happen when thou art so close to me in constant ministry. you have never, not even once, left me forsaken. so how did i get so lost and stuck in a rut of never-ending turmoil? could it, should it, would it have been better for me if i had never become so broken and desolate? was there truly a purpose to all of this?
the answer: do you want to know the truth or do you seek an answer just for the sake of comfort? would you have me as I AM or would you become the death of another through your lack of devotion to the cause? there can be no in between in the war zone. this is where all things come together by the power flame of the great command. it is your job to fix the cause of division. have you not seen how the powers of darkness work to drive between those who would, when left to feeling of their own hearts, be willing to cooperate. do you not think it odd that the world has fallen apart by lack of cooperation when you know full well that most people would do what is right but for the influence of those forces of which humanity knows very little? why do you think you have this knowledge if not to use it to lessen the weight of others? have you used that knowledge as much as you could have used it under all circumstances? do you consider your past performance the best of your heart can offer unto others? therein lies the reason for your lost state of being. all things are as you would have them to be by thy authority as co-creator. there is no wrong in what you have learned by the choices you have made no matter how far you have wandered from the original plan. the only wrong you have committed is forgetting to use what you have learned. may you know me as i know you. may your heart become forever true as you wish the hearts of others to be towards you. may all the world be your place of service henceforth. may you never forget your purpose.
The Call Compels the Answer~Know Me As I AM
the call: all my life i have sought a way by which to forge an indestructible connection between myself and the great presence of life which thou art. yet so often in the past and even now there are times when i get lost in the maya again. caught without, running full out distracted by the little baubles that this world offers as the best of its treasures. i have come to realize that the only home i have in this world is in your heart of pure love that never fails to be for me everything i have ever desired or needed. bar none. show me then how i may please thee according to thy will unfolded in this world. what would you have of me this day? what would you have of me always? speak to me of thy holy intent that i may become all that you wish of me in all ways sustained by your love.
the answer: “when you serve me i love you. when you love me i serve you”
do you remember these words that i did speak to thee last summer? do you understand why i inscribed these words upon thy conscious awareness. they are the full truth of what we are to each other. we have never been separated but by thy lack of direction equal to the intent of the source. one must never abandon the great cause of love. intent for one’s self alone is not enough to fulfill that cause. every choice you make must bring a blessing to all or it becomes separate from the ONE CAUSE. this cause is your reason for existence. if every person on this planet governed themselves by this criteria there would never again be bloodshed, sorrow, or injustice. I AM the cause of divine love and i wish to become manifest through the children of my heart. I AM the force of life becomes manifest by love and power intertwined and governed by wisdom. I AM the infinite. I AM the presence of divine love that never ends no matter how far away from the light thou hast wandered in search of thine own pleasure. is this not the kind of love worth becoming?
Be in Prayer
Prayer is a way of being.
When we connect with the Divine, we are in prayer.
Go within and open any time, anywhere.
Prayer is a way of being.
Be in a state of prayer in all that you do.
Prayer is serenity in the midst of a storm.
Prayer is a way of being.
When we connect with the Divine, we are in prayer.
this is the only thing i really love to do all times 4 life
The Call Compels the Answer~Forgiveness I AM
the call: by god within, by god that I AM, i refuse acceptance of this bullshit. this war has gone on since before i was born. war within the mothers. war against the fathers. war against those of us who are the children of she-a ruler ruled by satan. the unforgiven. this unforgiveness is the cause of war. war is death. fuck that shit. fuck it straight into hell and back again. may god have mercy on those who have been wrongly persecuted. may the arkangel Michael drive his blade right through this shit. right into the heart of the bitch who clings to vengeance. yea, even so, we will not serve up suffering like unto those who have been the accuser. for we bring freedom from pain. freedom from suffering. freedom from hell. in christ jesus name, so be it. do thou Father, give me your orders. how do i go forth and stop this war? speak to me. dear god, do thou speak to me now…
the answer: be at peace and understand who I AM. nothing in this world can take your freedom. be thou comforted by your recent advancement. do not however take it for granted. this is that which i did warn thee of. take heed and listen well, my child. take heart in the knowledge that this is but a blustering appearance. it will subside and disappear as quickly as you ignore it. yet do thou take the stand. take your stand even now. send forth a legion, a legion of fire is at your command. call for the power of the great command to be thy champion and take hold of thy sword. the flaming sword of divine justice. do thou strike with the heart of an innocent child that seeks only to release fear from its bondage. take no heated discussion but draw thou deep within. be thou silent. heed well my warning: BE SILENT. let them war upon each other while thou dost consume the shadows that follow. be on it like a tyrant ready to grab every throat yet let not the throat be human. grapple only the force that has been unleashed like a whirlwind of demons. stand with the arkangel and call thy presence of fiery christ love into thy tongue. be the authority that speaks when speak you must. heed me, dear one. wear your suit of armor made of the rarest gold spun only from the elohim of silence. bear well the torch of forgiveness that never bows to the will of hatred. be the authority that sets all life free. free without limit. you are given my blessing. use it for your children’s children even unto the last one ever born into this world. you are free now so be free. you have come to resurrect hell. do so then with honor.
the call: how may i ever repay thee for the gift thou hast given? there is but one way. and really there is one way only…by thy love shall i serve without thought of what i must do other than to honor thy word. what is there to lose when all else is done, used, futile and broken? this is the hour of remembrance. the hour when i remember who I AM. this is the hour when i take your hand and hold on until it is done. yea, even farther, thereafter and forever let us never be parted in word, deed, or action. haelrazor bows to no one but God alone-the great I AM ALL-ONE forevermore I AM that yes I AM. in thy name may thy will be done in the one mighty stroke of the great command of love.
Status Quo
Summon your courage to challenge the status quo.
Move to a new level of consciousness.
Overcome obstacles, heal divisions, embrace unity.
Summon your courage to challenge status quo.
Do not accept the unacceptable.
Join hands to create a new world.
Summon your courage to challenge status quo.
Move to a new level of consciousness.
the light of god never fails. it never has and it never will. in christ jesus name it is finished. yee-haw!
The Call Compels the Answer: Day 3
the call: there is nothing for me here. it’s just like you said. i need you now more than ever. i need your love. i need your counsel. my heart is no longer beating. not really. because i am already gone. tell me then what must i do to win this war? how do i survive and keep my balance throughout until the end of the trial?
the answer: be only what I AM. be that alone. do not bow thy head to the assertions of those whom you serve. be firm with this, child. the student will come to the stand as your witness only after you have sacrificed your need of him. what would you have when no one will be there to serve thee as you have served others? would you be their puppet another lifetime? is that your reward? be not the mother’s daughter. be instead my son. throw away the doubts that make thee fear my power to step through the veil. let go of your need to be loved by this world. speak not a word that has no place in the halls that contain the records of that which never ends. be free from death by living again. you have no friends save those who guard thee yet you have opportunity to be a friend onto all. covet not what you give.
the call: i’m not sure i can truly reconcile myself to this. i know my time is limited. i want nothing but to be free again so that must i give. be thou the full understanding i require. be thou all unto all within me. all else i release. i give free will my leave. show me how to please thee and make me please thee somehow. i am ready to leave this world but will do thy will.
the answer: can you not be at peace then? can you do this for me? would you break my heart by giving up when you have breached the last wall unbeknownst to yourself. be heartened, haelrazor, be heartened by love. be what you came here to be. that is the answer to every problem you have struggled against. cease now to struggle. do not struggle against hell. accept it as the depth of thy being that can never be removed from itself. you created this monster. it is your child. do not forsake the ugliness that tells who you are when left to be undone by another’s device. do you know who you have allowed to rule your world? where did they take you when you opened the door?
the call: the message is conflicting. i can’t get it clear. tell me in words than can never be mistaken, forgotten, or forsaken. of thee i ask this with all that I AM. you are my whole knowing and without that wholly within me i am nothing.
the answer: let go then and listen. listen and be firm against the fear of opinion. you can save no one by what you design separate from the giver of what you design. give unto the father his due that all might be brought forth aligned. nothing ever comes from thee but what comes from me first. even your sins must be sanctioned before your birth. so what did you think when you thought to remove me from your creation? you have no legs to stand on without the will of the father who gave you the sight to know that I AM. no thing comes to pass without me and no thing remains without gratitude for the gift. you became lost by not showing gratitude for being able to sin. the sin was never the issue. only the attitude towards the father. you see this is your fate by your own will which is naught but the father. you can do as you wish so long as honor is given unto the source by recognition of origin. you were not condemned by the act of the sin. you were condemned when you ran away so that you could hide the sin from the giver. place the sin and it’s cause upon the father’s shoulder and become the father’s child once more. you see then how you have all power when you separate not what is given from the giver. be open to no one that is not the father’s strong arm by this order: surrender unto the maker his own creation. satan belongs beside me from within thee for i created you as one to understand how to be of greater value than i was when you were not in existence. see then how my love never ends. forsake not thy sins. forsake separating the atom from the components of itself by the force that says i am not apart of what I AM. you opened the door to those who had no honor in the father’s reward by taking from the father the gratitude that is the requirement of being allowed to sin. gratitude is the price of free will. you trusted those who lived by nothing so nothing was your reward. you have reached the outer limits because i sent you to be that which i would be for myself save the wisdom that keeps me in check. you are my imbalance manifest to find the wisdom which comes from experience. the hour has struck. it is time to come home. follow the law of gratitude without sorrow for the reward is ours. we have won the war by letting go of nothing and becoming all-one. this is the answer you have been seeking from the beginning. take my hand. together we will love the world.
the call: i am so grateful to thee to have been created as this which i have always feared. now i know that what i have been has been manifest by your will alone. i am so grateful to have myself back again. unto you i return all i have ever been. therefore i will be the gratitude you seek. i will seek also to fulfill the plan of creation that was perfect in all ways even unto the deepest depths of all sin. let it be written: we have found that nothing is wrong when we remember who created all that we have ever been. from the beginning comes the end. yea, even unto the depths of hell wherein lies what the father loves most of all-the child who has learned to be grateful for the father even as the father is grateful for the son-grateful for the son who became satan. o’bringer of understanding-we are one. for this i am grateful. for this i was born. gratitude is my defense against death in the hour when we meet again. i am grateful for this, yes I AM. i am grateful to live. i am grateful for every sin in creation. it is the greatest gift ever given. gratitude is surrender. gratitude is obedience. gratitude completes me. for this i am grateful. yes I AM. by your will my father i exist to give you what you need to be free. that I AM.
The Call Compels the Answer: Day 2
the call: what is it that keeps pulling me off track in regards to my mindful speech? why does it seem impossible?
the answer: examine closely thy use of words and what they are in contrast to your service to the light. therein lies the answer. your willingness to serve is undermined by desire contrary to love’s cause. be at peace and look deeply. see the truth that is revealed and dwell upon it constant. do so now. dwell until the answer is unveiled.
the call: my use of words is based on a desire for acknowledgment.
the answer: you desire recognition as an entity separate from the one cause. the cause of love that is all of itself unto all yet lacks nothing of itself by not wanting for itself what is fleeting.
the call: I can see yet I see not naught but the void. this place is so empty. why must I dwell here?
the answer: dwell not in the darkness but look to the light wherein lies your identity. this is the dwelling of thy truth without counsel from your ego.
the call: there is no compromise in this other self, this higher self of mine. it will not bend to fit in and it is not such as this world would have for their own.
the answer: and thus should thou be also. no word should pass by the lips but that they reflect the son of god within, unblemished by personal intention. bereft of all thought but that which blesses all. measure each phrase by this and know mastery over ego.
the call: how do I govern this anger that arises from dealing with the personalities?
the answer: turn first from the cause, the appearance and the personality concerned. let the attention be upon the presence of life and it’s purifying love that conquers all. be adamant against indignant speech or reckless feeling. take hold of yourself as you would a tyrant. silence your mind and dwell within for the answer that will reveal what the outward motion must unfold. be firm with personalities that they are not given authority to dictate thy direction. be indifferent-unmoved by their intent. be the cause of love that serves all yet accepts no master but the one god. do not yield what is your truth unto those who oppose thy heart. be without fear or expression of arrogance.
the call: will i succeed this time? do i truly have the strength?
the answer: if you are willing to do serve we will give you what you require but you must not become as they are to win their approval. if you do so wreckage will be the result. would you have this lesson again? would you be the victim of your own foolishness after you have recovered from death? there is no further path to mark, child. be thou satisfied with your success. do not test this path again.
the call: well how in god’s almighty name do i prevent that part of myself that seems possessed with this penchant for screw-ups?
the answer: take the time to see who is it that has led thee astray and why? that is the question of the ages. the answer is your salvation. your answer will bring victory to all those you contact. take the time to consider full well the marked knowledge of your heart. you may find more than you dream possible. do not tarry. be quick as an arrow straight to the heart of the mark you seek. be silent with those you contact yet be the stride of balance. love without cessation all life you contact. this is thy station. do not leave it empty again. no more experiments without just examination before the council. your hope is our hope also. be thou the promise.
the rite of spring begins: let go
i will never fit in here
i guess i should be grateful for that
if i let go will i ever feel accepted?
am i beyond caring?
will you ever know me?
does it matter?
why would you want to know me?
i am not so special when studied up close
so what of it?
i’m in good company
i am alone
all-one
am
i
The Call Compels the Answer: Day 1
the call: is my lack of mindful speech once again the culprit that allowed this to arise or is it all a part of my training and lesson to be mastered?
the answer: you must be mindful of all emotions which circulate through the feeling world. it was not the words which allowed but rather the feeling. the feeling is governed by being mindful of that which issues from the mouth. never should a word be spoken until you have mastered the feeling which does propel it. watch the feelings and their response to another’s words or actions. watch how your feelings fluctuate even while seeing people on the street. to govern the speech is the surest way of taming the feelings for oft the feelings govern the speech.
the call: how shall i handle this situation especially when questions or opinions are posed which are relative to my personal business?
the answer: do you answer this person out of fear or respect? do you respect him when he crosses boundaries which you would not cross? why tolerate this? you have a choice. do not fear reprisal for that was your weakness the last time. have no fear but make not war. simply state your case and leave it at that.
the call: what ground work do i need to lay in preparation?
the answer: do not consider this to be a conflict. this is a purification. you have full authority to qualify what you say with all-purifying love. do not feel pushed into early exchange or defensive response. he will wait to learn what you have to teach. if your lesson is wanting then you shall have an uprising. take your time. be at peace. if his response appears to be negative draw within. if his response appears to be positive be warned for that is cause to draw within even farther for in this instance thou would be caught off guard more quickly than at any other juncture. be fearless. you have already faced death. he is not so much to handle.
the call: what is the most important thing for me to do at all times and what will provide the most effective relief?
the answer: are you truly willing to heed my words?
the call: yes i am. yes. i am willing. yes i am.
the answer: let go. i see you do not favor this response for it is your victory and by so heeding you will be free from sorrow. the forces which hold thee tighten their grip for fear of loosing their feast. you have nothing to fear. let go of needing what people give for it is not enough to sustain thee. your life depends on your willingness to serve. listening to others has brought you to nothing but defeat. let go of the ego that cares what others think of thee. your mother. your father. your son. your daughter. your friends. your enemies. your ego.
the call: how? how do i do that? i just don’t know how…show me. tell me. help me. please. help me…
the answer: then love me as much as you seek their love. look to me as much as you look to them for comfort. trust me as much as you reach outward for hope. take my hand and give unto me what you have given to the world. be fearless in your pursuit. if you are questioned take your stand that very instant…answer with the truth. look within for the answer. find your voice. speak not without intent qualified before the energy is released. let go of your ego that screams for attention. have you not tried all else?
Symphony of Science – ‘We Are All Connected’ (ft. Sagan, Feynman, deGrasse Tyson & Bill Nye)
suddenly i’m dialing into something quite different
i wonder where this will go and how i will end up
do you, dear God, think that i will make it this time?
will i have the strength to carry on to the finish line?
you tell me that i’m strong
you tell me i’ve been down this road before
why did i choose to come back & repeat the lesson?
it was an experiment you say?
who’s brilliant idea was that?
may i ask?
no, no, that cannot be!
not even i would be
that kind of
crazy!
The Wind Cries…Freedom
how do i let go?
how do i move on?
how do i do what’s never been done?
by doing only what needs to be done.
by never again wanting anything from anyone.
by letting go of seeking a family that comforts.
by letting go of feeling rejected.
by proving undeniably the truth of all i see…
to be given unto those i love keeping naught for me.
by breaking the bitch into what she must become…
by giving all that is earned unto those i love.
how do i let go?
how do i move on?
will i ever know peace again?
let the world have peace instead.
what is this that i dream?
a world of infinite freedom.
does this place really exist?
’tis the heart realm of all creation.
what is this vision?
the truth behind the reason.
why do i feel so different from the rest?
i have no home on this planet.
am i ceasing to exist?
to this i am wholly indifferent.
i will never ask for this cup to pass.
you already know my answer.
this is all i was ever meant to be.
can you hear it?
the wind cries like a banshee
this is the rite of spring
i am ready
am i?
Ain’t It All Just Grand?!?
at least i still have my sense of humor
nobody knows just how much i need it
without my sense of humor i would have gone wacko
you think i’m wacko already don’t you???
well i promise i won’t disappoint ya’ll
just warming up for the big one
it’s time to rock n roll
are you ready?
after this
the big bang
will look like
a hiccup
yep
For the Love of Us
for most of my life my heart has been broken
broken by those who deemed themselves better
better than what?
better than HaelRazor?
well, duh! dum dum!
that wouldn’t take much, now would it?
but have you the power of forgiveness?
do you have the eye to see
how to do for me
what i have done for you?
can you see me like i see you?
oh no you don’t altho in time you will
for unto you i will give the impossible
but to do that i must say adieu
though not forever
yes i must
must be alone
to be all-one
become whole again
armored by the strength
that loves without losing itself
to the demands of your war
against the freedom
to be just me
as i am
that
am
i
The Cynic Within Forgives Again
here I sit among the people…
o’people…
I must learn to love them all over again…
I used to love everyone.
it was easy because I could always see the good within all people in spite of their human qualities…
then I went thru an experience that was like unto a near fatal head-on collision…
it happened, yes it did, within the unseen realm of my mind, heart, and soul.
I remember having a vision of the wreck just days before it came to pass…
I was standing on a railroad track…then the train plowed me down…
I could see my body come apart at every seam…
torn to pieces, just like the pieces of frankenstein’s creature…
the destruction was horrific-the very epitome of cataclysm…
no one really saw just how great the depth of damage
so much damage was executed upon this foolish servant
it took three years to reverse the devastation…
tho i took the fall, there were others involved
whose self-righteousness and karma I elected to purify
a worthy trade for the salvation of my own life…
but now it’s hard for me to deal with people because I see how cruel they can be in comparison to how I deal with them…
I do unto others as I would have them do unto me but there is very little return from those whom I continually pardon.
yeah, yeah, i know that’s not the point, now is it???
it’s not their fault that I gave too much,
it’s not their fault that I opened up my heart…
it’s my fault and my fault alone…
by taking responsibility i became endowed with power to overcome…
even tho I was compelled to watch my world burn as i came close to death…
closer than breath is held close within the lungs-you’d better believe it.
finally now the cycle of damnation is come to its fulfillment…
a contingency plan that has become the cosmic fiery christ great command…
yet even still too much scar tissue remains in here…
nevertheless that’s easy to fix for the fire of creation is already regenerating the ashes of what was once a beating heart.
I have to be willing to change my way of dealing with people by sticking hard and fast to my covenant with the elohim, lord maitreya and the great chohan.
the right speech of the buddha will set the tone for the next stretch…
buddha remains unsurpassed as the lord of balance…
for by his noble truths he held steadfast even in the midst of hell.
now I will be able to love people again with a love that never ends…
I will be for them the constant heart of indestructible love, forgiveness, and mercy…
for haelrazor was born to return good for evil…
even unto the devil himself.
The Root of All War
-
there will never be peace on earth until the cause of peace is understood…
-
the first step is to understand how peace was lost…
-
what is the opposite of peace???
-
the opposite of peace is war…
-
where did war start???
-
it started in the feelings.
-
watch your feelings, watch them like a hawk…
-
DISCORD (the opposite of harmony) has been set into action the very instant there is a feeling that is not the BALANCED expression of love, wisdom, and power…
-
every discordant feeling (no matter how slight the vibration) creates inharmony…
-
wherein lies the root cause of all war…
-
harmony in the feelings towards all other parts of Life is a manifestation of peace.
-
watch your feelings and pay attention to every cause you send forth…
-
become the vibratory action of love, wisdom, and power in perfect balance…
-
every moment of every day…
-
do your level best…
-
just do it…
-
TRY.
Into the Void
-
it’s hard for me to publish this post because now i am going into a new cycle and all the rules that i have allowed to dominate this outer self…
-
all the rules of human conformity…
-
those rules no longer exist because i can’t allow their existence in my world anymore.
-
it’s really, really hard…you have no idea…part of me doubts that i will ever be able to actually break through this…
-
but i’m not going to give up…no matter what…
-
after all…the Light of God never fails.
-
i do not doubt this, not for an instant…
-
i know the truth because i have seen and experienced the truth firsthand.
-
nobody can prove the truth for anyone else.
-
we must become the proof that we need from within our own beings…
-
by using empirical knowledge wherein lies the root of truth.
-
empirical knowledge is gained only thru experience…
-
this is KNOWING as opposed to believing.
-
by knowing the truth…having proved it through our own experience…
-
we will set ourselves free from the bondage of ignorance.
Our Eye On (Orion) I AM
I Love You Hate Me Here I AM
I love this picture of H.P.B. I got to know her about 15 years ago and right from the start I somehow knew we would always be friends, even unto the end of time. One little misunderstanding tho…I could never figure out why she looked so solemn in all of her pics. I just couldn’t fathom it.
I remember thinking how lucky she was, with the greatest knowledge in this Universe resting right beneath her finger tips. Hell, she even knew the mahatmas personally. Geez, what more could a girl want??? Well…now, I stand corrected. Oh, yes, dear H.P.B., I surely do. This road is tougher than it looks…
Anyway, the video below provides a fair illustration. My sidekick forced me to watch this goof-ball-gone-psycho ‘Supernatural’ show, then oddly enough I began to see how it reflected my own life. Now how much does that suck? All I can say is that I hope I don’t look that far-out-there from the outside, but then again it’s only my bankrupt ego on the line.
Just like moi, Sam and Dean know how to roll with the punches even if they do end up in Hell at least once every season. They even know that purgatory and Hell have different time zones, plus they have empirical experience with the fact that both ‘getaways’ offer the ‘most excellent’ extreme-sport methods of torture imaginable.
Oh, my God!!! Do I always sound like a TV get-real-or-overdose-already-ya-mega-la-drama show???
Nevertheless, there will be peace when I am done altho I don’t mind if I never get to rest so long as there’s some good music with a beat that I can march to during my eternal servitude down in the pits of existence. Whatever comes I will face it head on with all the knowledge that I have gained during the never-ending tour of ‘damnation’s unlimited’…
There is no doubt about it-I will by grace survive to be victorious on this, the dreaded mission…by the Power and Rhythm of the Great Command I am at long last become that I AM. So listen up, Zor’ra, and listen well… there will be no more sorrow! Be thou free again…and suit up, girl…’tis the time to rock like a hurricane…and roll like the mother of all locomotives…
Whooo hooo & yippee ki-yay!
Bill Hicks + George Carlin: The Big Electron
Awesome-Ate-It…
A Sound New Year's Resolution...
This is worth watching especially if you have the courage to live your life outside of the indoctrination box...thank you, Troy, you always find the good stuff. ;)
That I AM…I Command Thee!
To Make All Things Right
In life there are many cycles. Each cycle is a another step. Even when I break down and fail the test, I know that there will be another chance to make it right if I but make the determination to never give up. All of my suffering has been for a purpose. The mistakes I have made are the individual expressions of my overall evolution. I forgive myself. I forgive them too. I have done my best. Yes, I really have this time. I screwed up big time. But they didn’t do much better. So, now we move forward. Letting go the hatred and guilt. There is nothing better than freedom. I free myself by freeing them. This is it. It is finished. The past is forgotten. To forget is the better part of forgiveness. By forgiving all for all I am forgiven also. My heart is restored. I am alone-all-one am I.
Lordoftheringswallpaper.com
I Need Your Help
It is very stormy in my region of the world…yes the wind is cold and my heart is heavy for I know what lays in my path. But I will not fear nor will I doubt…but by the power of the light of god that never fails I will make the call for what I need to succeed. I have never given up and by the presence of life which I AM I never will. So help me, god! Help now me do this job! This is what you want so make it happen. Amen
Hit the Switch!
One of the biggest complaints that I have always had with religion in general is that typically religion provides no practical method by which to deal with the conditions that are in the physical world. If my Christian acquaintances see this video they will no doubt think that I am practicing sorcery. Christians believe that to consciously manipulate the vibratory action of energy is evil.
Yet if we are to accept the miracles performed by Jesus as being a reality then by the very laws of nature itself Jesus absolutely had to use the law of energy and vibration in order to produce ‘miracles’ in the physical world. There would be no way around it…unless of course God and Jesus are separate from everything else in the Universe.
I AM is the one thing that we all have in common. It is our inalienable identity and it is the method by which we proclaim everything we have ever done and/or intend to do. According to the bible I AM is also the name of God. I AM is the intonation that allows us to be self-conscious co-creators with the Source.
The correct intonation of I AM systematically applied will enable us to once again become One with the Source. As you will notice in the audio portion of my video I have yet to master the correct intonation of I AM. Regardless, I have without a shadow of a doubt proven to myself dozens of times that this method truly works…
However, my personal proof is nothing to you unless you take the time to prove to the power of I AM to yourself, through yourself, and in the affairs of your own personal world. I sincerely hope that someday soon you will join me by experimenting with I AM on your own terms. Thank you for visiting the Light of God Never Fails.
livebyquotes.com
The End of Maya
For some reason I see the end of the Mayan calendar as correlated to the sanskrit meaning of the word ‘maya’ which pertains to the world of illusion. And “illusion” is most definitely what the people of this planet have been submerged in ever since the sinking of Atlantis. Naturally I have my own take on everything…
However, that’s not to say that I think I am right. Nevertheless, since everyone else has thrown their take on the whole ‘end of the world’ thing out there I may as well let my viewpoint be known as well. The way I see it is this: the world as we know it has run it’s full course.
The old cycle ends and thus a new cycle begins…
But the shift will manifest slowly until in a time not too far distant it will become very, very obvious. At that point it will be too late to make any changes in the outcome. Therefore, this is the hour of trial and judgment. This is it. Who will answer the call of the Great Initiator?
Who will stand for ‘we the people’ of Earth? Who among us is ready to become a Sun of God? In your heart you already know…it is the destiny of every human soul. Just imagine this: I AM Christ I AM
May thou now become the Open Door. Thou art blessed for thou art the chosen. Will you accept?
Silence the Bitch
I like this new phase of video posts…it’s the most real I have ever been with anyone in this world. It’s a little scary cause I know that I am giving out the truth of how I really am and how my life is in comparison to the accepted standard. It doesn’t matter what people think so long as I am really trying to do the right thing. For the first time I am free to speak about what really matters to me. I listen to everyone else talk about their way of thinking and for the most part I simply listen, giving forth an unknown blessing. Now at least I won’t blow up and fall apart from keeping myself locked away in silence. God is merciful.The fact that I am still in this body is proof of that.
A Heavy Load
Lay down your burden, is
it not a heavy load? It is
you who chooses the task.
You descend into the dark
bringing light to those
who have lost their way.
You descend and can ascend
at any time. The key is
your intention.
Keep in mind that when you
act, you act in my place.
I am transmitting through…
Thank you, Pat. You hit the head on the nail again. You are such an open door that I can't help but want to do better...and to be better. You hold me on track even in the midst of the storm. Hugs filled with love to ya always, Zor'ra
Is It Just Another Ego Trip?
This gallery contains 1 photo.
No doubt about it…I’m my own worst enemy. Half the time I can’t see straight for getting stuck on stupid. I don’t know why I need to do this new phase of video posts. I know that I’m not the … Continue reading
Just Do It
This gallery contains 1 photo.
I apologize to my readers for taking so long to publish a post. I’ve been working full time again so I haven’t really felt like writing. But everyday I get up an hour early in order to do my ‘prayer … Continue reading
